Unspoken Declarations
by ssu04
Summary: There was nothing the two could do about this. Silent words lingered between them. Unspoken apologies, last minute pleading, final chances of begging. Life changing declarations.
1. Chapter 1

Author's Note: Don't know where this came from, just popped into my head. Was going to be a stand alone, but will continue if interested.

Disclaimer: Don't own anything.

**Unspoken Declarations**

"So is everyone clear on what needs to be done?" Callen asked the team as they all stood around the table in the OSP.

"Basic get in, extract, get out," Sam replied nodding. "You ready for it Kens?"

"Piece of cake," she responded turning to look at the mark's picture up on the screen once more.

"Good, and Deeks, first sign of trouble -"

"- Yeah. I know," he stated with a hollow voice.

Pausing momentarily, Callen glanced sideways at Sam who only responded with a slight shrug of the shoulders.

"All right," he continued choosing to ignore Deeks' pouting, "let's gear up," he said patting his partner on the back as they exited the room.

"Kens..." Deeks started forward as she began to follow the pair.

"Yeah?" she turned taking in Deeks' appearance. Reserved yet anxious.

Stance tensed, pained expression, averted eyes; she had a feeling what was coming next.

"You don't..." he paused swallowing hard. "You don't have to do this," he all but whispered, eyes now searching hers.

Her eyes fluttered slightly as she opened and closed her mouth trying to think of how to reassure him.

Seducing a mark.

She had done it before, and more than likely would have to do it again. She was good at it, never had any problems. Sure it wasn't the most pleasant of experiences but it worked. It was efficient, quick, effective. Just a job. It never exactly bothered her.

Until now.

She fought as hard as she could to keep her face emotionless when Callen went through the plan with them, all the while feeling Deeks' eyes penetrating her.

She felt her shoulders fall as she now stood in front of him, her partner – _more than a partner? _- figuring out what to say.

Was there anything she _could _say?

"It's just...it's work Deeks. Just a job," she offered with a small shrug of her shoulders.

_Just a job?_

"There are...other ways. We can -" he faltered, his face tightening with annoyance from all of this.

She gave him a brief pained smile. A joke about how sensitive he was being would not remedy this situation.

He wasn't being sensitive. They both knew it. Roles reversed, after everything that had happened between the pair, the closeness they had gained, she would feel the exact same way.

The tension lingered as Deeks briefly closed his eyes. How could he phrase this without jeopardizing everything?

"I just think...this isn't what NCIS is about. You're not some – I mean...selling yourself to get this intel. It's not right," he said now looking at the ground.

She took a small step closer to him. Less than a foot away now. Far too close to be considered professional.

Close enough to touch.

She couldn't. Not like this. Not when they were talking about how in a few hours she would be with another man.

"Sam and Callen have done it before," she softly reminded him, "so have you. And so have I. This isn't selling myself. This is getting information to protect citizens Deeks,"

He paused as his fists balled up at his sides.

"I know," he stated quietly still averting her eyes. "I just...it's different this time," he said now looking up with hesitation.

"Deeks..."

"You heard Callen," he said quietly.

She closed her eyes at this. She couldn't stand to see the pain in his. He kept talking however. He needed to just say it. Out loud.

"You heard what he said; _by any means necessary _Kensi," he took a unsteady breath before continuing. "That means -"

"- I know what it means," she cut him off quietly sounding defeated.

He nodded with a pained expression, letting his gaze drop, shoulders fall, fisted hands release.

What more was there to say?

She was more than likely going to have to sleep with the mark, and all Deeks could do was watch.

As if he would. As if he even could.

There was nothing the two could do about this.

Silent words lingered between them.

Unspoken apologies, last minute pleading, final chances of begging.

Life changing declarations.

"It's just...different...this time," he repeated quietly.

She paused before admitting, "I know,"

He finally looked at her. His eyes imploring hers.

Saying everything he couldn't.

She took his hand forgetting the unspoken agreement to keep their distance. They needed this. Fingers laced together, she needed to show him she understood. She could hear him.

Hear everything he wasn't saying.

She briefly leaned forward, their breath mingled in the inches of space between them.

Noses brushing, her other hand now placed delicately on his chest.

There was no Special Agent Kensi Blye right now.

Now, she was just Kensi. Being honest, open, vulnerable.

Everything she wasn't.

She couldn't reassure him that everything would be okay. How could she know that? Words were useless right now.

He felt her hand hesitantly touch his chest. He closed his eyes painfully tight, only wanting to focus on the feel of her.

She was going to be doing this with some other man. Soon.

But this was different.

She wasn't playing Deeks. She was talking to him. Telling him everything neither of them could say. She was a contradiction of terms, and right now, Deeks wasn't sure if he loved it or hated it.

She leaned in closely. He felt her unsteady breath over his mouth as her nose softly brushed his.

He rested his forehead on hers as she too closed her eyes, his free hand gently cupping her cheek.

"I won't let it get that far," she whispered, her lips ghosting over his.

If that was the best she could give him, he would take it and never let it go.

Never let her go.

But he had to.

"Trust me," she whispered once more before he closed the distance between them.

His lips brushed hers softly, wanting to tell her everything.

That _she_ was his everything.

Her hand slowly fisted his plaid shirt as she returned her own words.

She felt the same and he needed to know.

He could feel it. He knew.

Slowly they retreated, but not going far. Never going far.

"I trust you," he whispered as he opened his eyes, resting his forehead on hers once more.

She nodded slowly as their foreheads touched, as he felt her eyelashes ghost over his cheek, as she felt his beard against her lips

She let go of both his hand and his shirt, carefully framing his face.

"Don't worry," she said softly with their noses brushing, "you'll get me back," she repeated to him again.

Different situation, but possibly ten times more painful for them.

His hands found her waist has she leaned in once more, pressing a lingering kiss the side of his mouth, before breaking the connection between them completely.

Deeks' eyes opened slowly to see her a foot away from him again immediately missing the warmth of her hold.

Taking an unsteady breath, he too took a step back feeling that distance was what the needed right now considering in a matter of hours she was going to be -

"We will...figure it out," he said quietly, flashbacks to the day she thought he was gone from her life, as she began making her way to the exit.

She paused, smiling briefly as she placed a hand momentarily on the door frame.

"We always do," she replied softly, repeating his own words back to him, before she turned and left, leaving Deeks alone in the room, and the picture of the mark on the screen.


	2. Chapter 2

Author's Note: Okay so continuing on it is. Hope you guys enjoy.

* * *

"All set?" Callen asked as he and Sam walked into the boat shed where Kensi had finished getting ready.

_All set? _Hardly. The memory from Deeks' face was still ingrained in her mind, but Kensi knew it was her job. Hell, so did Deeks. She had to do it. It didn't mean she had to like it. Not right now. Not after everything that had happened between the pair. Now, the thought of some man, some _other _man, having his hands all over her made her skin crawl. She felt as though she was going into a situation blind. Although _very _on guard, she would not be entirely in control.

Kensi _hated_ not being in control.

She inwardly groaned as she realised she might be in over her head here.

And not just in relation to the mission.

"Kensi?" Sam prompted snapping her out of her thoughts.

"Oh yeah sorry I just – good to go?" She asked after tousling her hair, closing up her compact mirror and slipping into her purse.

"Yep. Eric's got everything set up," Callen replied handing her her earpiece. "Once we're there, you've just got to work your magic and we should be wrapped up in no time,"

"Right. I don't plan on being too long," she replied with a smirk covering her earpiece with her hair.

"Looking like that, I'd be surprised if you can get the guy to string a sentence together," Sam joked shaking his head.

"Yeah, Hetty certainly loves to play dress-up," Kensi sighed going through her purse once more.

To say she looked good, simply wasn't possible. Kensi Blye doesn't merely look _good_ when wearing the type of outfit she had on. Or ever.

The black dress she had on clung to her curves displaying her toned physique just the right way. Dipping dangerously low in front, and allowing her back to be completely exposed, any man would be willing to sell his soul let alone illegal intel just for her to acknowledge their presence. Her legs seemed never-ending and invitingly touchable due to the dress length that could be considered more dangerous than playful. Combining the dress, the legs, the striking five inch red heels with her wavy hair and smoky eye make-up, she was stunning.

She was drop dead, knock out -

"Beautiful,"

All heads snapped towards the voice as Deeks appeared in the doorway.

"You look beautiful," he murmured quietly.

Eyes fixed on only her, not her body, not her legs, but _her_, Kensi felt as though the wind had been knocked out of her with his intensity. So much blue shining back at her, so much truth.

So much pain.

She hated having to do this. Had she mentioned that before?

Her eyelids fluttered closed momentarily before she briefly looked down, then back to her partner.

"Thank you," she replied earnestly biting her bottom lip, her eyes never leaving his.

Deeks offered her a small smile as he stood there, silently refusing to approach her. Not like this.

Not when she wasn't his.

God she hated this.

As though sensing his reluctance Kensi offered him one last reassuring smile as she finished going through her mental check list.

"Um. Okay so," Callen said lightly feeling as an outsider witnessing the exchange between the pair. "We'll drop you to the corner of the block, then you make your way to the club. We'll then circle and find somewhere to stay, but we'll always be close, okay?"

"Yep. Sure. That's fine," she stated automatically as she released a breath.

"Chances are you're going to have a lot of distractions coming your way," Sam smirked before growing serious. "Be smart in there, Kensi,".

"Always am," she smiled appreciatively for his concern.

"You've also got...protection right?" Callen asked cautiously.

Kensi huffed out a laugh rolling her eyes. "Of course. Locked and loaded. Got a knife in the lining of my purse too," she opened up to show him. "If security ask I'll just say the purse has -"

"No, no I know you've got weapons. I just..." Called paused before continuing cautiously. "I mean, _protection_. In case it gets that far...with the mark," he finished slowly.

Oh.

Right.

Kensi closed her eyes briefly releasing the tension building up inside of her.

She really hadn't planned that far. She had convinced herself it wouldn't _get _that far, that she'd get the information even before they left the club.

Pushing away all her worry, her panic, her guilt; everything she was feeling with regards to one of the three men in the room, she fought to keep her face emotionless. She couldn't crumble. The words "Kensi Blye" and "weak" never appeared in the same sentence, so she was going to fight to keep it that way.

"Yeah – I do," she answered flatly.

Opening her eyes, she kept her stare on Callen. She couldn't look at Deeks. Not after him hearing that. Without even looking though, she could tell, she could _feel_. The jealousy, the hurt, the worry.

The pain.

Callen continued talking with Sam briefly jumping in here and there, probably reassuring her it wouldn't be necessary, but Kensi wasn't listening. Her eyes were glazed over, fighting to stay strong, to keep Deeks' out of her view.

But she couldn't.

She couldn't. She couldn't not look at him. She needed to just give him once last reassuring smile. Let him know that she intended to keep her promise -

_I won't let it get that far_.

She needed to see the trust in his eyes, if not for his sake but for hers.

She slowly averted her eyes to the doorway as Sam and Callen continued to talk. More so to possibly cover up the undeniable tension in the room.

There Deeks was, brow furrowed, shoulders tensed and hands shoved into his pockets. His stare seemed fixated upon the ground, never faltering, never wavering.

She needed to talk to him. Just one last time before it all. Before she had to do things she didn't want to do.

Just as she was about to walk over to Deeks, Hetty entered with a smile mentioning something about Chanel and Louboutin.

Shaking her head to clear the constant words of _I won't let it get that far_, Kensi tried again. "I'm sorry, what did you say Hetty?"

"I said," Hetty began as she walked around Kensi giving her a once over, "this mark, Jackson Thomas, won't even see you coming dressed like that." Standing back once more with her arms folded, she addressed Kensi directly. "My dear, you look wonderful. Now let's get this guy," she added with a wink.

Nodding briefly with a small smile, Kensi collected her things and began to follow the rest of her team out only to stop abruptly at the doorway letting the others walk on.

She felt his presence. He wasn't following.

Pausing momentarily, she turned slowly and looked at him across the room.

"Deeks?" she asked hesitantly.

"Hmm? Oh yeah, coming. I'm coming," he answered in a daze.

As he started to make his way over to the exit , Kensi placed her hand across the door frame, cutting him off from leaving. He stopped, once again leaving a gap that was much too close to be considered professional between the pair. She could feel his warm chest against her arm, his heart beating fast and rhythmically. He raised his hand to hers resting on the door frame, watching as their fingers brushed.

Hesitating quietly, neither spoke. What was there to say? Be safe? I'll be there for you?

_Don't do it?_

It was all implied. But never spoken.

"I just -" Kensi cut herself off as she tried to regain her composure. The distraction of his thumb rubbing rhythmic patterns over hers was too much. He wasn't even aware of it. She needed him to stop.

She wanted it to go on forever.

"The things – that I'm going to have to say -"

"I know," he cut her off softly breathing in her faint jasmine perfume.

She removed her hand from his now turning to face him, "Deeks the things I might have to do..."

His jaw clenched as he struggled with the raging battle going on inside of him. He couldn't talk. If he spoke now, he'd ruin it. Seeing his Kensi, his Wonder Woman, so unsteady in front of him? He knew he couldn't say anything. She needed to just get this over and done with.

The team were probably waiting for them, so he had to bury all the emotions that were currently flying like sparks of electricity through the air between them. Focus on the job at hand. That's what was most important.

"We should go," was all he managed with a broken voice as he stepped back from her.

Her eyes snapped to his quickly in an attempt to figure out his thoughts. That was it? No, _good luck Fern _or _See you later Princess_? She was standing in front of him, trying to tell him everything she was about to do meant nothing to her, only him, and he was shutting her down? Holding his gaze for now what seemed like an eternity, she too took a step back, running a hand through her hair in the process.

"Yeah, right. Okay," she responded with a small smile.

Nodding quickly, Deeks simply walked by her with his fists clenched at his sides. He forced himself to continue down the hall until she was out of sight before he leaned against the wall, squeezing his eyes as tight as he could. He felt like throwing up. How had he not noticed this? How had he let it get this far? Their _thing_.He hadn't realised it before, and now it was too late. Their encounter in the OSP earlier in the day showed him that apparently it was too late for her too. She would never do that in front of someone else, show vulnerability.

Not unless they meant something to her.

* * *

"You seem tense?" Thomas asked as they sat on his couch.

After seeing him in the club, talking to him for a while, Kensi had him eating out of the palm of her hand. Except now, now he didn't seem intent on talking any more.

"Oh? Well I don't know much about you," Kensi replied as his thumb brushed against her shoulder lightly. "Tell me Jackson, what to you do?" she asked leaning into his touch.

"What do I do? Oh, that's not so interesting. Just a businessman. No fun," he replied leaning in a little closer.

"Businessman? What type of businessman?" she asked he began to draw patterns on her leg with his other hand.

"Just importing and exporting. I get by," he replied as he leaned in and kissed the underside of her jaw. Kensi closed her eyes as she bit back her reaction to slap him off. Stay focused. Get the information. Get out.

"What type of importing and exporting?" she responded as she reluctantly placed her hand on the side of his face holding him close to her.

"You certainly ask a lot of questions," he replied pulling back to look at her cautiously.

Suspicion. This wasn't good. Ugh she was always so good at this, but tonight? Yeah, she knew why she was holding back. Burying those emotions deep down, Kensi took charge. She needed to finish this.

Turning slowly to look at Thomas, she sat up leaning into him, nose brushing his.

"Just want to know what I'm getting myself into here," she whispered as her left hand gently cupped his cheek.

"Understandable," he answered cryptically as he began to pull her over to him, "let's just say it's for security,"

Security? _Hardly._

"How very secretive. So you're one of the good guys?" she asked following his lead moving closer.

"Not so much sweetheart," he smiled in response.

At this point Kensi was kneeling on the couch with a leg either side of Thomas as he held her leaning into her touch. He was slow to give her what she wanted, but she certainly knew what hewanted. She needed to hurry up before –

"I'm not going to lie, I've heard of you," she whispered into his ear leaning in.

He paused holding her back, caution growing in his features.

"Heard of me? How so?"

"Oh a friend of mine said you could help me _import and export _things that I might need," she said quoting back his previous line. "And I know, I would certainly make it worth your while if you would be so kind as to help a girl out," she said as her hands moved rhythmically over his chest.

"This friend have a name?"

"Mmm," she half shrugged toying with one of his buttons, "he chooses not to,"

Growing more wary, Thomas lifted Kensi off his lap and stood up.

"Who are you?" he questioned, all playfulness gone.

"What? What's wrong? I thought we were having fun?" she replied taking note of where she left her purse.

"Who are you? Do not make me ask again,"

* * *

"Callen I don't like the sound of this," Deeks said on the edge of his seat.

"Give her a minute, she might be able to swing it," Callen responded pressing his earpiece further into his hear.

"_Who are you? Do not make me ask again,"_

"Callen," Deeks said again.

"Deeks just giver her one min -"

At that moment gun shots sounded in each of their three earpieces, and before Sam or Callen could stop him, Deeks was out of the van running across the street.

"Shit! Deeks!" Callen hissed going after him followed by Sam.

"Knew this would happen," Sam stated in relation to Deeks as he crouched behind Thomas' car.

Deeks made his way stealthily up to Thomas' front door, to where he heard another shot ring out. Without waiting any further, he kicked open the door gun pointed high and trigger finger ready.

"LAPD! Don't move!" he yelled, then pausing at the sight.

Thomas lay on the ground clutching his shin as Kensi was sitting back on the couch holding her shoulder with blood seeping through her hands.

"Kens?" He asked immediately making his way over and kneeling down in front of her. "Kens talk to me, where'd you get hit?"

"Ah it's nothing -" she hissed as he removed her hand clutching her shoulder, "just a flesh wound," she murmured as her face began to pale slightly.

"Kens this doesn't look good. I don't care what you say we're going to -"

"Deeks!" she yelled only in time for Callen to shoot Thomas once more.

Turning around, Deeks saw a motionless Thomas lying in a pool of blood now coming from his chest, his gun loosely clutched in his hand.

"Kensi, you okay?" Sam asked now making his way over to the agent.

Looking from Callen to Deeks, Kensi paused as she got her thoughts in order. "Um yeah I – fine, it's fine. I mean I'm fine,"

"Think you're going to have to get that checked out so -"

"Sam I'm fine," she interrupted.

"Kensi. You're getting that looked at whether you like it or not so come on," he ordered as she stood swaying slightly.

"You're finding me a change of clothes. I'm not going anywhere dressed like this," she huffed as they passed Thomas' car.

As Deeks regained his composure of what just happened, he stood looking at Callen knowing what was coming.

"What the hell Deeks?" Callen demanded, "the first rule is always make sure the enemy is unarmed after a take down. What were you thinking ignoring him?" he challenged stepping closer.

Although Deeks knew Callen was right in what he was saying, he couldn't help but retaliate.

_Never shoot back, always shoot first._

"What was I _thinking_?" he responded stepping closer to face Callen. "I was thinking my partner had been shot and I needed to make sure she was okay,"

"_Partner? _Are you sure that's all she is to you?"

"_What_?"

Callen huffed throwing his arms up in the air. "From the very beginning of the op, you were all over the place Deeks. You're too attached!"

Deeks scoffed taking a step back. "Attached? _Seriously?_ You're damn right I'm attached, she's my partner! If it were you and Sam in the same position -"

"It _has _been me and Sam in the same position, more than once, and we've always cleared the scene first Deeks. Always! So don't tell me she's your _partner_. I'm not buying that crap,"

"This is ridiculous," Deeks huffed as he began to make his way towards the door.

"No Deeks, the fact that you can't control it is,"

"Control it? The way you did with that brunette wife of yours from a few years back?" Deeks challenged in return.

Callen bit back his words. Deeks knew he had gone to far but he couldn't stop it. Callen had no clue what he was talking about. He didn't understand Deeks and Kensi. Callen was just an outsider who pushed everyone who cared away. He revelled in the fact that he was a closed book.

After calming himself, Callen stepped closer keeping his voice steady.

"Go home Deeks. Sam and I will look after her. I think you need to get your priorities straight,"

Deeks opened his mouth to argue, but Callen immediately cut him off.

"No. There is no room for argument in this. She almost got shot a second time Deeks. Kensi could've been shot again, and you know what? That would have been on you. You also forced me to eliminate our best lead in this case. You made a rookie mistake. Go home and sort yourself out. I'm ordering you as a senior agent. Sam and I will make sure she's taken care of," he repeated noticing his words taking effect. "We'll talk to you tomorrow, do you hear me?" he asked holding a hand to Deeks' chest to get his attention.

_Kensi could've been shot again, and you know what? That would have been on you._

He was right. Callen was completely right. Deeks could have gotten her killed if Thomas' shot. And now he had taken out a lead in their case which had taken quite some time to track down. Great Detective skills there.

"Deeks!" Called demanded once more trying to get his attention.

Looking up at Callen once more, Deeks nodded quickly before stepping back. "Let me know how she is," he stated quietly, "please," he added with a little desperation.

Callen nodded as Deeks walked out the door.

"Deeks!" Kensi called from behind the police cars that were now blocking off the scene. He walked over to the van giving Kensi a small smile as he passed.

"Deeks?" She called again confused as she brushed off a medic who was trying to check her shoulder. "What's wrong?" she asked following him as he removed his gun and vest leaving them in the back of the van.

Casting a glance over to where Callen was now talking to Sam, he looked back at Kensi seeing nothing but total concern in her eyes for him.

"How's your shoulder?" he deflected, putting on his jacket.

"It's fine," she answered distractedly, "where are you going?"

"I um – I've got to sort some things out. I'll call you,"

"Sort some things – Deeks what's going on?" she asked wincing as she tried to pull him back.

"Kens?" he responded immediately, holding her waist and dipping his head to see her.

"Dammit Deeks just answer the question. What's going on?"

Clenching his jaw, he removed his hand from her waist once more. Looking back, he could see Sam coming over. "I'll call you," he repeated as he turned, leaving Kensi to stand there in complete pain and confusion.

"We got this," Sam replied to Deeks' silent question as he approached, "go home. We'll see you tomorrow," he added as he continued making his way over to Kensi.

As Deeks began to walk away, he could hear Kensi asking Sam about Deeks, why was he leaving, and to _stop bullshitting me and tell me the truth_. He smiled briefly at that one.

Deciding to walk the whole way home, Deeks kept replaying what Callen had said to him.

_Kensi could've been shot again, and you know what? That would have been on you._

It was a mantra in his head. She could have left with more than a flesh wound. She could have left in a body bag. Deeks' body went cold at that thought. Callen was right in sending him home. He was right in saying he was too attached. He was right in saying Deeks needed to sort himself out.

Only problem was, Deeks couldn't do that. _Sort himself out_. He couldn't get over her. He had never said the words not to himself, and not to anyone else, but he knew it wasn't possible.

He was in too deep.

* * *

A/N: Took me longer than usual, and I had to spilt it into 2 chapters, so the next one is the final one if I manage to do it right. Really love to hear what you guys think of it, good, bad or indifferent. Thanks.


	3. Chapter 3

Author's Note: Em...yeah this one kind of ran away on me...so...hope I don't put you to sleep.

* * *

Deeks quietly closed the door as he made his way inside his apartment. Slowly peeling his jacket off, he let it pool around his feet as the floor boards creaked when he shuffled over to his couch. With the lights off and curtains closed, the only brightness visible in the whole room was the steady red light from his tv. Constant strength, never faltering.

Unlike him.

The sound of the low hum of the refrigerator pulsed around in his head. The shallow breathing and scuffling of Monty in his sleep scraped against his ears. The feel of his shirt, circled tightly at his neck, cutting off his air, cutting off his life –

It was too much.

Everything that had happened. It was too much. The kiss. Her clothes – not for _him _but for another man, seducing another man, getting _shot _by another man –

Deeks clenched his jaw at that. That was his fault too, he knew it. Kensi never had a problem getting information out of a mark, yet this time, when Deeks put up a fight like a twelve year old child, she faltered? Hardly a coincidence. With a job like his, Deeks never believed in such a term. And now Kensi was somewhere after being checked out by some medic – he hoped – in more pain than she would ever admit, body shaking, sweat escaping, face paling –

He scrunched his eyes and dropped his head into his hands. That pale face, etched in his memory, burnt into his retinas, never leaving. She looked so helpless then, lying there on the couch, blood pouring through her hands trickling down her wrist, lips squeezed tight cracking at the seams with the pain, a small pathetic smile gracing her broken face –

Jesus Christ he needed to stop. This self torture wasn't going to get him anywhere. It was only a flesh wound. She wasn't dead. It wasn't a serious gun shot wound –

_But it could have been, _a voice inside his head hissed.

Oh God, he needed to hear her voice, needed to see her face, just for reassurance, just so he could lie down in bed and not see the pain behind her eyes once he closed his.

No doubt it was more than the gun shot wound too. There had been scuffling before either Kensi or their mark acquired their guns. They all heard it over their ear pieces. What if her rib was injured again? The one she just cracked. It's still weak. What if she broke it? And it punctured a lung –

Christ. He sat up immediately pulling out his phone. Just needed to hear her voice, that's all. Then he'd know she was okay. Then he could rest a little easier –

"Deeks," the voice regarded him.

Deeks quickly pulled back his phone to see who he called.

"Sam?" he asked in confusion.

"No it's Kensi, my voice has always been this deep,"

Rubbing his forehead closing his eyes, Deeks felt his irritation rise.

"Sam, I'm not in the mood for this, so either you put Kensi on the phone or –"

"Relax Deeks, she's fine," Sam assured immediately, sensing Deeks' frustration. "G's following her up to her apartment now,"

"_Following _her? Why isn't he helping her?" he pushed.

"Because Kensi just _loves _a helping hand now doesn't she,"

"Okay, yeah I – okay," Deeks settled for a moment, "wait – why do you have her phone?"

"Really showing off those detective skills aren't you?" Sam teased again.

"Sam, come on," Deeks urged, his exhaustion seeping through the cracks.

"Settle Deeks. I'm bringing her stuff up from the car, so considering I saw you calling, I thought I'd answer, okay?" Sam asked clearly aware of Deeks' panic.

"Fine, well put her on to me,"

Sam paused as he considered the request, (_demand)_, but chose better of it.

"I don't think that's such good idea,"

"Sam –"

"Deeks it's got nothing to do with...whatever is going on..." Sam brushed around, "...as much as she doesn't want to admit it, she's tired, and talking to you right now, talking to _anyone _right now is not what she needs. She just needs to rest,"

Deeks sighed running his free hand through his hair thinking of what a mess he made.

"Then...at least tell me she's okay," he insisted softly. "I mean _really _okay,"

"She's good Deeks," Sam confirmed, his relief also evident through his answer. "Flesh wound on the right shoulder – four stitches – some bruising at her left temple and just general aches, but Deeks, she really is fine,"

Releasing his breath heavily once more, Deeks sunk into his couch, his head lolling to the back.

"Okay...okay good. I'll let you go then..." he trailed off in response, relief flooding through him.

"Yeah. G and I will see you tomorrow,"

Deeks immediately sat up at this with his eyes wired open.

"Wait – Kensi isn't coming in?"

"Nope Hetty's orders. Kensi was determined on ignoring the doctor. That didn't go down well with Hetty,"

_Hetty knew about this? _

Ugh. Of course Hetty knew about this, the woman knows everything, but Deeks still hadn't thought of that. His guilt mounding, He just tried to end the conversation easy without slipping any further down that hole he was now fully stuck in.

"Sounds like Kensi's still her old self I guess," he joked, the hollow emptiness audible through his words.

"So like I said, the two of us will see you tomorrow, okay?" Sam repeated a little more insistant, as though worried.

"Yeah," Deeks nodded, too hazy to form coherent words."Wait – Sam?"

"Yeah?"

"I just –" Deeks faltered, unsure of how to phrase it. "For helping her, Kensi I mean, just..."

"We'd do the same for you," Sam interrupted, hearing Deeks' unspoken words. "Maybe,"

"Right," Deeks huffed out an empty laugh, "see you tomorrow then," he confirmed once more as he slowly hung up the phone, dropping it onto the table in front of him.

She was okay, Kensi was okay. A few bumps and bruises – _and a gunshot – _that voice reminded him, but she was refusing help, so she was still his girl. His Kensi.

She was okay.

Slowly and stiffly retreating to his room, Deeks felt tomorrow was going to only add to the heavy pain that was already building inside of him. Callen was going to ensure he felt even smaller than he did now, and Sam was probably just going to stand and watch, shaking his head. And Hetty...

What if she said they didn't him any more? That he caused more trouble than help? Who would want a liaison who not only couldn't _liaise_, but gets others shot in the process?

Christ. Why had he let himself screw this up so badly?

Well. That part was evident. Went by the name of Kensi Blye.

But not stopping this free fall he was now stuck in? He was blind. She made him blind. And it was his fault. His fault.

_His fault._

* * *

"Mr. Deeks," Hetty signalled to her office as he walked in.

Deeks looked at his Operations Manager, perched as though awaiting his arrival, then over to the bullpen where Sam and Callen were talking.

"Right," Deeks nodded briefly taking a deep breath as he followed her.

His legs felt dead as he followed behind her. Not only had he not slept last night, he didn't eat breakfast. He couldn't. Not with this stone weight in his stomach. He knew he was over-reacting, but in their line of work, when each member of the team are shot at, both daily and more than once, who knew what could happen next time as a result of his blindness.

"Sit, please," Hetty signalled once more as they approached her quiet haven.

As Deeks sat down, he couldn't help but feel as though he was, once again, being called into the principal's office, or worse, a sentencing in a courtroom. His eyes trained on the desk, he tried not to show any signs of the extreme fear that was coursing through him, but he knew this time he was more than likely failing.

"Mr. Deeks," Hetty repeated once more pulling him from his thoughts.

"Hetty I didn't – I mean, last night. I know I was in the wrong," he began from the edge of his seat.

Eyes clouded over, lids heavy, he needed to say it. If this was going to be his last time here, he just needed to throw it all out.

"I know I shouldn't have done what I did; gone to Kensi first. I just – she was there, and all pale, and covered in blood, and I – I needed to see she was okay. It was stupid of me, and I should never have done that, but..." he swallowed heavily as he gained the remaining ounce of courage inside of him, "I'm not going to apologize for making sure my partner lived,"

He looked up at Hetty, his eyes begging for forgiveness. "I know I'm a liability to the team, especially after that, and I'm sorry. I just – yeah. I'm sorry," he repeated quietly now looking at his shoes feeling ten years old.

"Mr. Deeks," Hetty repeated soothingly but his head remained low. "Detective," she stated slowly gaining his attention,"how are you?"

Wait, what?

Deeks paused momentarily, his eyes shifting quickly to the Hetty's. Confusion clearly apparent on his face he opened his mouth but words seemed to fail him.

With endless confusion mounting, he shook his head closing his eyes briefly, attempting trying to figure out what was going on.

"What are – what?"

"Charming Mr. Deeks," Hetty responded lightly with a smile, "I asked you how you were? I fail to understand your confusion from that,"

"Um, just kind of...from the question directed to me in general?" he managed to string together.

"How so?" she asked joining her fingers together resting on top of her desk.

"I thought you were, I don't know," he sighed running a shaking hand through is hair. "I though you were going to..."

"Fire you?" she supplied.

Deeks merely shrugged dropping his head once more.

"Don't you think you have suffered enough?"

_Suffered?_

"What? But I didn't get shot," he stated furrowing his brow, "Kensi did," he added quietly.

"I am well aware Mr. Deeks, but it appears as though you have been torturing yourself over this matter, would I be correct in saying that?"

"I don't..." he paused with a knowing look from Hetty.

Wiping his hands down his denim clad thighs, he continued quietly.

"It was my fault," he said softly, each word laced with pain and guilt.

"You pulled the trigger on your partner?" she deadpanned.

"You know what I mean," he shook his head, his eyes hollow.

"Yes Mr. Deeks I do," she confirmed with an understanding smile, "and as dangerous as it was to not have cleared the scene, I do believe you have learnt never to do it again,"

Again Deeks remained uncharacteristically silent, simply rolling his knuckles into his thighs.

"Detective," she paused waiting until Deeks' eyes met hers. "Things like this happen. Your partner is alive and well at home. Filling herself with sugary treats no doubt," Deeks smiled weakly at this. "I do however want you to be careful," Hetty continued, holding Deeks' attention once more. "Being partners with someone, someone you trust, someone who...is important to you, can be more dangerous than a speeding bullet. Do you understand the implications of what I am telling you?"

"Yeah I'm...I think so," he answered hesitantly.

"You and Ms. Blye have a..._unique_ partnership," she stated cryptically. "I would just like you both to be careful with certain issues that you both may encounter together,"

Deeks stopped momentarily, staring at Hetty repeating her words in his head.

_Be careful with certain issues that you both may encounter together._

Did she know? About...the kiss? About _them_?

Deeks mentally scoffed. _He_ didn't even know what they were. Not any more at least. How could Hetty know?

Once again, his earlier description of his Operations Manager drifted through his thoughts –

_Of course Hetty knew about this, the woman knows everything._

"Mr. Deeks?" Hetty repeated once again.

"Yeah sorry, um yeah?" Deeks responded shaking his head into focus.

"As long as you understand, you may go now," she stated as she pulled a manilla file from her desk and began sifting through its contents.

Deeks stood slowly, turning around and walking down the steps with never ending confusion building.

He wasn't let go. He was still part of the team.

The team.

He cast a glance at Sam and Callen talking away in the bullpen. What were they going to say to him? They couldn't trust him any more? He let them down the way he did Kensi? God, he finally thought he found himself a home. A family. But just like when he was younger, it got messed up. This wasn't his family. This time, he didn't deserve them.

"I think he's lost it," Sam said to Callen interrupted Deeks from his thoughts.

"Wh – what?" Deeks asked looking like a schizophrenic as he reached them.

"Just arguing...with _yourself_ there?" Callen asked.

"No I – well yeah but –"

"Yep. Definitely lost it," Sam repeated with a smirk.

Looking to the side for a moment, Deeks rubbed the back of his neck. He really needed to iron some kinks out.

"Look –" he began.

"You've spoken with Hetty?" Callen interrupted.

"Hmm? Oh yeah," Deeks answered in a distracted manner.

"Then between that, and how bad you look, _no offense..._" Deeks gave a hollow smile, "...nothing more needs to be said," Callen finished.

"We won't be so forgiving next time though," Sam joked.

"There won't be a next time," Deeks ensured, his words laced with an undeniable sadness. Picking up on this, Sam stepped forward.

"Deeks –" he tried.

"So what's the plan..." Deeks began, shutting down any pity the two agents were beginning to display towards him, "...you know considering I –" he caught himself.

Unsaid words let linger in the air.

_Considering I screwed up the last one._

Callen took a deep breath as Sam picked up his gym bag.

"We're going to wait a bit. Eric's looking into more leads we could use, and then we'll take another crack at it when we're all together again," Callen encouraged Deeks as he too took his gym bag.

"Right. Okay," Deeks nodded staring at the ground. "I should probably help Kensi out with a bit of paperwork then," he laughed depreciatively pointing to her empty desk, "kind of owe her that much,"

"Deeks –" Sam tried once more.

"Let me know who wins," he smiled briefly, cutting the conversation off once more.

Following his cue, Sam nodded slowly before following Callen towards the gym.

As Deeks sat in his partner's desk for the day, he wondered whether he should call her. Just maybe see if she's okay? She might need some things. Food? Meds? Maybe if he –

No. This was exactly the problem. He was blind. He needed to stop. She was more than likely going to have to do missions like that again, Deeks needed to be ready for them. Not guilt trip her when she's only doing her job. Distance was what he needed from her right now, and what better way than when she's not here.

Settling down to the large mound of paperwork, Deeks busied himself for the remainder of the day, finishing every last document, before quietly leaving, only supplying a brief nod to Eric when he came down the stairs.

Distance. Just for a bit. It was working. He could feel it. Then, when Kensi did come back, he'd be good as new.

Distance. Just for a bit.

* * *

Deeks was pulled from his thoughts when his phone rang on the table in front of him.

Having made it home, picking up Chinese on the way, he had settled in with a few beers and started flicking through the channels to find something decent on tv –

All the while ignoring her calls.

Four to be exact. And a few texts. Six in total. In his defence, he wasn't doing it intentionally. Really. Well maybe this one he was, but all the others, his phone had been on silent and shoved into his bag for the day.

He just needed to force himself to take some space. Distance. Just for a bit.

Seeing her name flash on his screen though, for the, what was it – fifth time now? – he realised he needed to talk to her.

Setting down his beer and muting the tv, he carefully picked up his phone. Thumbing the screen to answer, he took a deep breath for what was to come.

"Kens–"

"Open your damn door now Deeks!"

Caught completely off guard, Deeks looked down at his phone again, line now dead from Kensi hanging up on him.

He looked over to his door, but he heard no knocking – or potential banging. She was here?

He hesitantly shuffled over to the door where he was immediately ambushed.

"What the _hell_ do you think you're playing at!" she poked him fiercely in the chest as he opened the door. "Seriously Deeks. What. The. Hell?!" Kensi repeated, her words forcing Deeks to retreat back, her feet following his movements.

"Kensi I –"

"Kensi I –" she mimicked angrily. "You tell me you're going to call me, _again_, and then you never do. _Again_. You disappear after last night, don't call once –"

"Actually I –" he tried before she growled. Actually _growled_, glaring at him with narrow eyes.

"Don't you _dare_," she seethed, "Sam and Callen wouldn't tell me anything. You're my partner, and they wouldn't tell me what the hell happened. I get shot, and you disappear. _I'm _shot, and I spend the day worrying about you –"

"Jesus Christ Kensi! That's exactly it!" Deeks yelled now silencing her dead in her tracks. "You. Got. _Shot_," he punctuated loudly.

She paused momentarily before her usual flare returned. "So what? I get shot and you can't handle it? You got shot before, and where was I? Right at your bed. The entire time! So what, tell me that's it. I get shot and you can't deal? –"

"Kens –"

"Or you know what, that's probably not it at all is it? I get shot and you don't care," she laughed menacingly at this.

Deeks almost didn't recognise the woman in front of him. The things she was saying. The look in her eyes. He didn't know who she was. And who's fault was that? Yet again?

"You know what? That's it isn't it?" she asked now nodding, stiff lines appearing around her mouth, "you don't care what happens to me. I could die and you wouldn't even –"

"Kensi! Stop!" Deeks yelled, his hands fisting against his forehead. "What the hell is the _matter_ with you?!" he continued to yell.

Kensi was taken aback by this side of Deeks. She knew he could lose it. He just did a few seconds ago, but now, this – him. He stunned her into silence.

"How could you even _think _ that's why I left. That I don't care? Jesus, do you know me at all?!"

He needed to calm down. But when this woman in front of him, this woman who he thought knew him, accuses him of this – of not _caring_?

He stepped back, now running his hands through his hair with his eyes closed.

Kensi took a slight step forward, hand caught mid air speaking softly. Hesitantly.

"Deeks..."

"You seriously think that don't you? That I don't care," he laughed, empty and hollow. Fixing his stare back at her, he spoke quietly. "You should go,"

The hurt in her features was heartbreaking. She faltered backwards as though slapped, but her eyes never leaving his.

He couldn't do this. He needed distance.

This wasn't distance.

"Deeks?" she asked, her voice laced with pain.

He couldn't do it, he couldn't keep looking at her, not with the pain coursing through her. Because of him. Jesus he really couldn't do anything right could he.

Gathering her strength, Kensi took a step forward.

"You don't mean that," she whispered then taking another step forward. "You don't want me to go, I know it,"

Deeks wanted to scream at her. Yell that she clearly didn't know anything about him considering she thought he didn't care, but all his thoughts stopped dead by the feel of her hand on the back of his neck.

His head bent low, arms fisting by his sides, his side profile to hers straight on, Deeks stayed still, never moving closer to her.

So she moved closer to him.

"Deeks," she whispered now carefully unravelling his fingers from their fists one by one. "Tell me to go then, and I'll go. No questions asked," Kensi said soothingly as she slowly rested her chin on his shoulder.

"Deeks," she pleaded slightly now worried by silence, "look at me Deeks," she requested, reaching up with her left uninjured arm, placing her hand tenderly on the far side of his face as he stared on. She felt his resistance slowly crumble as she carefully turned his head to the side so that she could now see his face, his eyes still closed.

"Talk to me," she asked softly as she rested her forehead against his, her eyes closed now. "Please, Deeks. Let me help,"

Deeks swallowed slowly as he fought the urge to wrap his arms around her.

"You can't help," he stated quietly, he voice audibly breaking.

Kensi stepped back suddenly, burnt by his words. Deeks turned to see her, truly see her, for the first time tonight. The moonlight sneaking through his curtains was shining against her skin giving her a midnight shimmer. Her temple was deep in colour, purple it seemed in this light. Her right arm was bent slightly, as thought avoiding the pain from straightening it. Her bandage covering the stitches was visible at her shoulder under her white tank top, as scrapes and bruises started around her neck and ran down her arms.

He closed his eyes, his brow furrowing. He couldn't look at her, not when this was his fault. She was beautiful, always would be, but the cuts, the bruises, he put them there with his actions. He could never forgive himself.

Mistaking his guilt for disgust, Kensi straightened up. "Why won't you look at me?"

Biting his tongue, Deeks stayed silent now dropping his head.

"Deeks? What is going on with you? You won't talk to me, and now you can't even look at me? Am a hideous to you or something?"

Her words acted as a trigger once more, but not resulting in frustration.

"God Kensi no! You're beautiful," he argued immediately taking a step forward reaching out to her, but pulling up short.

Kensi closed her eyes with her head tilted in confusion.

"What's going on?" she asked softly opening her eyes.

Deeks sighed looking at her injuries once more.

"It's my fault," he said quietly his eyes fluttering, landing on the floor.

"What? What's your fault?" Kensi asked taking a step forward reaching out to him.

"No, Kensi don't,"

"Deeks," she pleaded, then wincing when the pain pulsated through her shoulder.

"That! Okay? That. You, injured, getting _shot_. Jesus, it's just – it's my fault okay? Happy now?"

He brushed past her and sat down on his couch, head in his hands once more.

Deeks thought this was his fault? That she got shot? How the _hell _did he think that?

Kensi quietly settled herself on his coffee table facing him, knees brushing.

"Look at me," she requested, "Deeks, look at me," she punctuated before he lifted his head.

She reached out slowly, hesitantly, and took his right hand. Carefully raising it, her eyes never leaving his, she pulled his hand forward, resting it to the left of her chest, directly over her heart.

"What do you feel?" she asked.

"Kensi..."

"Tell me what do you feel," she insisted.

Any other time, this would be the perfect moment for Deeks to make some quip about the location of his hand, but right now, after everything, words seemed to fail him.

"Deeks, I'm right here. Right here Deeks," she repeated as she leaned forward, resting her other hand on his knee in front of her. "Repeat it Deeks, I want to hear you say it,"

He paused, closing his eyes before whispering, "you're right here,"

"I'm right here," Kensi repeated as she stood slightly, moving forwards onto the couch, pushing Deeks back. "Say it again," she whispered.

"You're right here," he repeated as Kensi placed both her knees either side of his lap, his free arm wrapping around her waist.

She rested her forehead against his once more as they sat there, breathing it in.

The realisation. The truth.

The love.

"I'm so sorry," Deeks whispered, his nose brushing hers, both eyes closed.

"Deeks –"

"No, please. I'm just – I'm so sorry,"

"You have nothing to apologize for,"

"But when I saw the blood, _your_ blood. I just thought –" a lump caught in his throat as he opened his eyes.

"I'm right here Deeks," Kensi repeated as she fought hard to dampen the fear in his eyes.

"I know," Deeks nodded, "I know. Don't do that to me again,"

"Well I won't do it voluntarily," she smiled softly looking into his eyes, the warmth returning.

Deeks leaned forward brushing his nose against hers once more before tasting her smile. Tenderly, his lips moved over hers, his arm tightening around her waist. With his hand under hers still firmly pressed to chest, feeling her erratic heartbeat, Kensi linked their fingers together, as she carefully moved her other hand to the edge of his jaw.

Together, in the moment, partners, friends, lovers, they stayed, communication in all the ways the couldn't. A contradiction of terms. Telling each other how they felt in pure silence.

Resting their foreheads against one another, they paused, eyes sleepy, bodies heavy.

Blissfully happy.

"I think –" Deeks started, his lips ghosting over hers, "I think with you – I think I might be..." he trailed off.

Kensi smiled, her lips lightly touching his.

"Mmm. That's good to know," she spoke softly as she moved her hand up to lightly caress the side of his face.

"Yeah?"

"Mmm hmm. Cause now I'm not the only one," she stated now focusing her eyes on his, "makes this a lot easier,"

"This?"

"This," she confirmed.

"As in?"

"As in _this_,"

"So we're –"

"Seems logical,"

"Unless you don't –"

"I do," Kensi confirmed once more.

"Then it's settled,"

"Settled,"

"We're..."

"We're a _we're_,"

"Good,"

"Deeks?"

"Mmm?"

Kensi leaned in once more, her lips brushing his softly before slowing, deepening, intensifying. Locked together, arms encircling each other as one, she retreated back slightly.

Understanding her silent words, Deeks stood lifting her with him, carefully taking her to his room.

Unmentioned words surrounding them, never spoken truths embedded between them.

Unspoken declarations enrapturing them.

They both agreed anyway, talking was overrated.

* * *

A/N: Yeah, Deeks was seriously dramatic, but all over now! Thanks for all the previous alerts and reviews, hope you guys liked it the story? Love to hear your thoughts as always.


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